Knowing that Donald Trump is going to be president scares me… a lot. Let’s put it this way, I’m basically a pacifist. I don’t believe anyone deserves to have harm brought upon them. That said, if there were an assassination, I would feel safer , but… *sigh* what scares me even more is the knowledge that we live in a society where someone like Trump could be voted into office. Where is the hope for humanity in that?

I remind myself this is all the more reason to take care of myself. If change  will happen it won’t come from the system, it will come from the hearts and minds of those outside of it, but…


I feel defeated.



I gave up drinking, oh about 8ish years ago.

Shortly after that I quit using cocaine (and any other drug that might have been in snorting/smoking/swallowing  proximity).

About a year later, I quit smoking cigarettes.

I haven’t binged in 3-4 years.

It’s been 2 years since I last self harmed and in one month it will be the same since I gave up suicide as a possible solution .

Oh,and last night I called and placed a to go order . I CALLED. That may not mean anything to you, but to me… It’s doing the impossible.

To progress *clink*

Your war zone

Step into your war zone
Words like hair triggered snipers
Land mines of “if you were only”
and who I need to be
Guilt like a razors edge
Guilt like a tripwire
Guilt like a land mine
And shame
Say these words
Feign empathy
Think these thoughts
Convey through tone and expression
Wrap it up with a pretty bow
Wrap it in your insincere loving words
Intentions with false bottoms
Spaces in between in which I constantly slip
Slip through the cracks of your well being
I am wrong
I will always be wrong
I have always been wrong
My shield of compliance has eroded
I can hide no more
With bombs of blame overhead
Degradation loaded hand grenades pointed in my direction
I choose the cover of my own true self in the making
I choose not to continue to allow your access to this knife wound
I will no longer just sit back and watch as it bleeds


Spinning backwards

I look at you
I feel sick
Sick and somehow hurt
I feel a pain for your innocence which has been lost
Pain for the child that grows within you
Pain for myself
I wish to be you
I want to feel the warmth of life growing within my body
Feel this tiny being wiggling and tickling my insides
Feel the pain that would in the end bring me to joy
I don’t want this pain anymore
It’s not fair
You have the joy which should be mine
It brings you pain
I have this emptiness which should be yours
It brings me pain
This world is somehow spinning backwards
Reverse the spin
Give me my child

August 28, 2000